The 4-Word Phrase That Cut Arguments with My Spouse in Half

My husband and I just celebrated nine years of marriage this spring and—even this far into our relationship—we still struggle with not correcting each other when we think one of us has a better approach. (Call me crazy, but I think a person should hang up their towel rather than throw it on the bathroom floor.)

But recently, a friend enlightened me to a four-word phrase she employs to avoid these situations: Something I’m working on is…

Here’s how she uses it: Say her spouse is struggling to get their toddler out the door. Rather than instructing her husband that his approach of begging/pleading isn’t working, she says, “Something I’m working on is giving her two different choices so that she feels like she has more control.” In other words, she offers it as a suggestion rather than a mandate. And according to my pal, her husband was instantly receptive.

It makes sense. After all, there is something inherently kind about a phrase that offers a team-like approach: “It’s not me, it’s we.” (According to Psychology Today, when both members of a couple are “playing in squad mode,” the relationship wins and both partners win as well.)

After hearing about my friend’s experience, I decided to put the phrase to the test. My husband was irritated about a mounting laundry pile and the fact that he couldn’t find a particular shirt he wanted to wear to work. What I wanted to say was: “Welp, if you just spent 15 minutes putting all your clothes away on hangers, you probably wouldn’t run into this problem.” But what I offered instead was: “Something I’m working on is building an extra 15 minutes into the laundry routine so that my clothes aren’t just washed, they’re put away and organized.” So mature of me, right? For the record, couching my feedback this way was well-received.

It all goes to show that, sometimes, it’s not what we say, but how we say it that matters.