How to Apologize to a Cat, Because Apparently That's a Thing

Cats appeal to me for all the usual reasons—they’re beautiful, clever, soft and self-sufficient creatures. However, in my experience, a cat can also really hold a grudge—for example when I chose to re-home my cat Luna after my very allergic boyfriend moved into my home. (Yes, I know I could have re-homed my boyfriend instead.) My beautiful little tuxedo cat Luna went to live with my elderly parents in mid-Coast California and seemed to enjoy her new caregivers, with my mom letting her lap snuggle during TV time and my stepdad sharing his sardine sandwiches. All good, right? Not exactly…because when I visited, my formerly affectionate Luna would come running to the door, see me, then turn tail and walk away without engaging. She was obviously angry, which she expressed by howling at me occasionally, then going back to ignoring me. I couldn’t take it—I didn’t want my parents’ new best friend the cat to become my nemesis. I went to experts to discover how to make amends.

• Dr. Rebecca MacMillan is a small animal veterinary surgeon who mixes clinical work with veterinary content writing. As an affiliate of TrustedHousesitters.com, she enjoys writing about a whole array of pet topics, including health, behavior, and nutrition. She has a particular interest in small animal medicine, achieving a postgraduate certificate in this field.
• Sarah Rayer has been a senior cat foster mom for a decade who lives and works in Boca Raton, Florida. Rayer fosters multiple senior cats with the help of local rescue organization Good Karma Pet Rescue. She has enjoyed her time with more than 20 senior cats as a rescue mom.

First up, I asked Dr. MacMillan for the most common complaints about cats getting their feelings hurt:

• Forgetting to feed your cat at the right time
• Taking them to the vet
• Making too much noise, e.g., loud music, noisy party guests, or home improvement work
• Introducing a new pet or person into the household
• Too much petting or being too overenthusiastic with hugs
• Taking them to stay somewhere unfamiliar, like a boarding cattery
• Not cleaning their litter tray frequently enough

And, since I don’t have tons of experience in the feline psychology field, I asked the expert for some behavior I should look out for.

• Thumping their tail or swishing it angrily from side to side
• Puffing their fur up
• Tense body positioning, including flattened ears and an arched back
• Hiding away more than usual
• Reduced interaction with you, not wanting to play or be fussed
• Aggressive behavior such as swatting, scratching, or striking
• Inappropriate toileting outside of the litter box
• Reduced appetite
• Increased vocalization such as growling and hissing

OK, so you did your cat dirty and now it’s time to make amends. Here’s what to do, according to the feline experts:

“The first step is to let your cat calm down,” Dr. Macmillan says. “There is no point approaching your cat if they are still very grumpy. Hissing, spitting, and striking are all signs to back off. If your cat is still really annoyed with you, then they are unlikely to accept your attempts at forgiveness, and you could make things worse. If your cat is hiding away, leave them to have some personal space for a while.” Rayer agrees, saying that each cat has their own personality to be noted. “I think especially with rescuing senior cats, they have a whole lifetime of living that I wasn't involved in, so I think it's really understanding their cues and following them,” she says. “Some cats love being held, some cats don't, some cats need their space, some cats don't.”

A little later once the dust has settled, you can then try gently calling them to see if they are ready to come out. “Never try and pull them out of a hiding place, as this could create more stress. If they do come to you, make sure to praise them,” Dr. Macmillan says. Apologies can then be offered in a few different ways. Talking to your cat is a good way to reach out to them initially. “Gentle, soothing tones work well for some, whereas others prefer a higher-pitched 'baby-voice,’” she says.

Show your cat some physical affection next, if they are ready for it (note: this could take some time, depending on the cat’s preferences and history). “Grant was rescued from the streets of Miami and was frail and sick,” Rayer says. “When I got him, he was incredibly standoffish then slowly over time, he warmed up finally he would jump on couch next to me.”  According to Dr. Macmillan, physical touch helps remind cats of the relationship you share. “Start by offering your hand out to see if they are interested, before going in for head rubs and back scratches,” she suggests.

You can also try engaging your cat in some play. Grab their favorite toy and entice them into a game. “Playtime is a great way to bond, and it will help your cat let go of any pent-up frustration,” Dr. Macmillan says, but only if the cat is willing to participate. After she’d offended her cat Grant, for example, Rayer says that she waited for him to approach her, then proceeded slowly. “I would respect his space and watch his body language and I could tell he wasn’t ready to have the string toy in his face,” she says. Follow your feline’s cues.

You could try offering your cat a treat by way of apology, but ideally this should be a last resort. Treats are best given when you are rewarding positive behavior, and there is a risk that your cat will just take the treat and then go straight back into grumpy mode. It’s best to try and win them round first, if you can. Treats or food should not be the sole way of apologizing but can be kept in reserve if all else fails. Rayer says she gives her cats treats—she is currently fostering four seniors—when she knows she’s made a mistake, for example if she leaves a cat locked out of her home on her screened porch. “I give them treats with medicine or if I do something like lock them out, but it’s like when you get a toddler pissed at you then you give them affection and then they forget a few minutes later,” she laughs.

The most important thing is to recognize what you might have done wrong and take some practical steps to deal with the situation better next time. Above all, you should try and identify what it is you’ve done wrong in the first place, so that you can take steps to avoid it happening again or manage things better next time.

For example: going on vacation. Cats are creatures of habit and thrive on routine—something an in-home pet sitter can help keep up. When you return, you’ll be bringing in new smells, and your sudden reappearance combined with those unfamiliar scents can be confusing for your cat, likely leading to a period of adjustment.

A trip to the vet is an unavoidable trigger, but there are always ways of reducing stress for your cat.  “At the vet they are pissed, and they want their space,” Rayer says. “I have had some cats who have taken a few hours and I tried to honor that. I let them decompress and I check on them every half hour then I’ll come near them. They are not mad at me, as much as the stress of being at the vet.” Dr Macmillan recommends reducing vet visit trauma by using an appropriate carrier, considering feline calming pheromones and handling your pet gently. “Plus, keeping the carrier elevated off the floor and away from large dogs in the waiting room will also help make the experience more pleasant,” she says.

I started by speaking softly and slowly, calling to Luna when I visited my parents. She didn’t come, but by the end of the first day, she was circling the opening of my door, shark-like, before I called to her. Then she darted away down the hall. I later made a big display of adding food to her bowl and cooed her name a bit across the room. Still, no love from le chat. I thought I was out of luck in making up to my former cat—until I woke up in the middle of the night and there she was, curled up asleep on my pillow. See there, this little complex and dramatic cat just needed time—and for me to have a show of contrition for my absence.