How to Manage Intrusive Thoughts As a Parent, According to a Therapist

Ever imagined yourself doing something pretty distasteful, like that time someone cut you off on the highway and you had visions of running them off the road? Or perhaps your brain prefers to torment you with incessant doubts and worries (think: “everyone at work secretly hates me” or “did I really lock the front door?”). Whatever the case may be, you’re likely suffering from intrusive thoughts—and you’re in good company, because pretty much everyone has them. That said, parents are particularly vulnerable to intrusive thoughts, which is why I tapped a mental health expert to learn more about these pesky, unwanted ideas. Without further ado, here’s how to manage intrusive thoughts as a parent, according to a mental health expert and a mom-of-two.

Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It’s Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the field. She is also a mother-of-two.

You can probably surmise from the term that intrusive thoughts are unwanted and, well, unpleasant. Or, as Dr. Cook explains, “Intrusive thoughts are like annoying and unwelcome ‘pop‑up’ ads in your mind. They are fleeting, involuntary flashes of images, ideas, or impulses that feel completely at odds with how you see yourself and the values you live by.” If you experience intrusive thoughts from time-to-time, you’re not alone. Per the expert, “almost everyone has intrusive thoughts—like picturing yourself tripping the person in front of you or blurting out something outrageous in church, for example—yet we rarely admit to having them, since they clash with the persona we present to the world.” It’s worth nothing that there’s nothing inherently pathological about having these thoughts, provided you don’t act on them.

OK, so we know that pretty much everyone has intrusive thoughts and pretty much no one relishes them…so why are they happening, you ask? To understand where intrusive thoughts come from, Dr. Cook says to “think of your brain as a 24/7 ‘what‑if’ generatorconstantly scanning past experiences, future possibilities and potential threats.” The expert also notes that, most of the time, this activity happens unconsciously; however, this behind-the-scenes work can sometimes slip into your consciousness in the form of intrusive thoughts, particularly if your brain is overloaded. The expert emphasizes that intrusive thoughts aren’t evidence of secret desires (you don’t really want to act on your road rage), but rather “the byproduct of a brain that’s endlessly brainstorming possibilities, tagging anything weird or risky, and sometimes forgetting to hit the mute button on thoughts you’d rather ignore.”

There are a lot of different reasons why your brain might become so overwhelmed that these nagging thoughts creep to the surface without your permission, but the responsibilities of parenthood can certainly create a perfect storm.

“Becoming a parent flips your brain’s ‘what-if’ switch to high‑alert, which means your amygdala now treats threats to your child as existential crises,” explains Dr. Cook, adding that, “if you didn’t have intrusive thoughts before parenthood you might start having them, and even if you’d had intrusive thoughts before, parenthood can bring a new set of themes, intensity and (higher) stakes.” In other words, protecting our young is a biological imperative and our brains are hardwired for the task.

Dr. Cook also tells me that you can easily distinguish parenting-related intrusive thoughts from the garden variety type, since the experience of having parenting-related intrusive thoughts typically fits the following profile:

• Child‑centered content: Whereas you might once have worried about tripping someone in line, parenting intrusive thoughts often involve accidentally dropping your baby, leaving them in harm’s way or, even more distressing, imagining abusive scenarios.
• Heightened moral alarm: Your “inner moral seismograph” registers any thought about child harm as though there is intent, magnifying guilt and shame. As a result, you’re less likely to chalk these thoughts up to random brain noise.
• Stress, sleep deprivation and hormones: Those sleepless nights and hormonal shifts (especially postpartum) weaken mental filters, which means that stray “what‑if” flashes slip in more easily and feel impossible to shake.
• Perceived personal failure: As a parent, one of my deepest fears is failing my child—and I know I’m not the only one. Intrusive thoughts exploit that fear, convincing you that having the thought somehow makes you a bad parent, when really it’s just your protective instincts in overdrive.
• Social silence: Because no one admits to picturing their infant in peril, parents often suffer in isolation, believing they’re alone in this—even though up to 80 percent of new parents report unwanted child‑related thoughts, the expert notes.

One more time for those in the back: “Intrusive parenting thoughts aren’t a sign of danger to your child; they’re the byproduct of a stressed-out brain that’s constantly reevaluating all perceived risk and wired for protection.” By frequently reminding yourself of this fact, you will be able to recognize them as ‘false news’ when they occur and, as a result, reclaim confidence in your parenting faster. With that in mind, here are five expert-approved strategies for keeping intrusive thoughts at bay and managing them in the moment:

Remind yourself: “My brain is overprotective, not malicious.” Then, write yourself a quick note—something to the tune of, ‘I’m a loving parent, not a danger to my child’—and tuck it in your pocket or phone so you can revisit it when you need a quick refocus.

Ask: “What’s the real likelihood this will happen? What evidence do I have?” Often you’ll find you’ve been batting at shadows. Replace the doom scenario with a realistic outcome: “I am being careful and I am being safe; I know that I’m not going to drop my baby.” (For what it’s worth, this strategy helps with all manner of anxiety and fears. My 10-year-old daughter has used it to overcome her fear of elevators, and I just used it to hush my intrusive thoughts about the airplane I was on crashing.)

That’s right, friends—it’s time we stop being so buttoned-up about the intrusive thoughts we have. I’ll start: When my kids were infants I sometimes imagined the stroller rolling into oncoming traffic. I would also have a flash of myself accidentally bashing my baby’s head into the sharp edge of a dresser when I turned the corner with her in my arms. Now, I see flashes of cars colliding with us when we cross the street to school. (Fun stuff, right?)
 
The point is, it’s important to talk about these thoughts with a trusted friend, partner or therapist. “Once out in the open, they lose their sting—and odds are, your fellow parents have a few uninvited brain‑gatecrashers of their own,” says Dr. Cook.

If you’ve never heard of cloud-watching before, it’s a pretty simple and effective self-soothing strategy. Here’s how it works: Sit quietly for 30 seconds and imagine each thought as a passing cloud. Notice its shape, notice it fade, then bring your focus back to your breath—no chasing, no wrestling—just calm and neutral observation of your inner life and a return to meditative breathing.

There’s no cure for worrying. It will happen and, as previously mentioned, it happens for a biological reason. Instead of fighting and repressing it such that the worry sneaks up on you when you least expect it, the expert advises that you “set aside ten minutes each day—ideally not right before bedtime—to let every worry flood in. Then close the door on it. Your brain will learn there’s a time and place for these worries, and it won’t ring your mental alarm bell all day.”

And on that note, I’m going to dim the lights, set a timer and spend the next ten minutes thinking about every tragedy that could befall my family. Once that’s out of the way, the sounds of spring coming from my window will probably be the perfect soundtrack for some cloud-watching.