What to Say If Your Kid Walks In On You During Sex (And What *Not* to Say), According to an Expert

The demands of parenting are 24/7, but everyone needs to find some time for sexual intimacy. For example, you might carve out some time at night when you’re sure your children are soundly asleep…and, if you’re unlucky, little Suzy might materialize at your bedside with tear-stained cheeks talking about a nightmare and asking for a hug while you’re spread eagle and mid-moan. Oops. First, show yourself some grace—it happens to parents more often than you think—and then read on to learn exactly what you should say if your kid walks in on you during sex, plus some expert advice on what not to say if you find yourself in this unfortunate situation.

Dr. Nan Wise, PhD is a certified sex therapist, relationship specialist, neuroscience researcher, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. She has garnered international recognition for her research that addresses gaps in the literature regarding the neural basis of human sexuality.

Dr. Wise tells me that first and foremost, you should take a very deep breath before you say anything at all, lest your panic and mortification come across to your kid and make matters worse. Next, ask your kid your kid something simple like, “Are you OK?”  The expert notes that asking them this if they're old enough to be verbal will give you some time to take a couple of deep breaths and reboot your system.

“The most important thing for people to do is just not panic…this is going to happen probably at some point over the course of being a parent and, you know, it's actually a relatively recent development that we had separate rooms and separate sleeping quarters. Of course you will still need to address it, but pause, take a deep breath and keep that in mind before you do,” she explains. In other words, don’t let shame guide your response; by taking a deep breath first, you can ensure that whatever comes out of your mouth isn’t from a place of panic or anger.

Once you have collected yourself, you’ll need to find a way to gently get your kid out of the room. “If it’s a younger kid you will need to guide them out, but if it’s not a very little child but one who is old enough to understand somewhat then just say something like ‘everything’s OK honey, we just need some privacy. Can you go wait for me outside the room and I’ll come to you to talk?’” 

Again, this depends on the age of the child, what they witnessed and what their reaction was to it. For example, if a 2-year-old toddled in the room and showed no indication of having any idea that something unusual was happening, you might just not say anything at all; whereas, if your kid is old enough to give you a quizzical look, Dr. Wise says its a good idea to address what they saw but keep it brief.  

There’s no one-size-fits-all script here, because the best response varies depending on age and will come naturally if you’re calm and attuned to the needs of your kid. If you think there’s some level of understanding there, Dr. Wise tells me you can say something to the effect of:

You walked in on mommy and daddy when we were having some private time, and grown-ups who love each other sometimes have this kind of physical connection…but it’s just for grown-ups. 

“Ultimately, you don’t need to give them a lot of details, but you can ask them if they have any questions and make sure they know that no one was hurt if that seems like a potential concern,” says Dr. Wise. Then, you can really just move on…and make a mental note to lock the door next time (but more on that below). 

In fact, this is a good opportunity to have conversations about privacy and establish some boundaries. “Talk about knocking on doors before entering, and make sure you let them know that you will do the same before entering their room because sometimes people need privacy.”

Now that you know what you should do should your kid walk in on you doing the deed, what about what you should not do? There’s no way to reduce the answer to this question to a single phrase, but the gist of it is this: Do not get angry. Per the expert, the last thing you want to do is make the child feel like they’ve done something wrong because a) they haven’t and b) this creates an unnecessary atmosphere of shame around a perfectly healthy and normal adult activity. 

It’s natural to react from a place of emotion when you’re caught off guard and in a panic, which is why that deep breath is so important. It will prevent you from saying very unhelpful things like “What are you doing in here?!?” or “GET OUT!”  

On the flipside, you also don’t need to emerge from your room profusely apologizing for what happened as if it were some huge trauma for your child. You definitely don’t want to put the blame on the child for not knocking or being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but you don’t want to inflate the incident either. The solution? “Just reassure them they did nothing wrong and calmly say, ‘Oh, you know we probably should have locked the door.’” (Psst: If your bedroom door doesn’t have a lock, a hook-and-eye lock is very easy to install—though, if you have younger kids, you might want to give them a heads up about the lock you’re putting in so they aren’t alarmed that first time they try to barge into your room in the middle of the night and can’t.)

Sex happens. Kids walking in on sex also happens. If it happens to you, take a deep breath, process your emotions and emerge calm, cool, collected and ready to briefly address the incident in an age-appropriate manner, whilst making yourself available to answer any questions that might follow.