I’m Fascinated by the Three Loves Theory…But I Actually Think One Partner Can Be All Three

The ‘Three Loves Theory’ is a model for romantic relationships that evolved from the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher. Some people swear by the accuracy of this relationship model; others, like me, find it fascinating but potentially flawed. Always eager to explore my natural skepticism, I spoke to a neuropsychologist for more information on what the ‘Three Loves Theory’ really is, where it comes from and, well, whether or not it holds up to scrutiny.

Dr. Sanam Hafeez is a New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, a psychological practice that treats learning disorders, anxiety, depression and other psychopathological disorders. Dr. Hafeez obtained her Doctor of Psychology at Hofstra University and completed her post-doctoral training in neuropsychology and developmental pediatrics at Coney Island Hospital.

According to the Three Loves Theory people encounter three major romantic love types throughout their life to fulfill distinct functions. “The framework serves as a psychological and anecdotal structure representing typical relationship patterns, whilst establishing a loose connection with developmental psychology principles and attachment theory,” explains Dr. Hafeez. In other words, it’s all about identifying patterns and understanding how natural developmental progress influences our romantic choices throughout life. According to the theory, the three distinct types of love are as follows:

The Three Loves Theory proposes that people encounter three distinct love forms—idealistic love, hard love and grounded love—throughout their lives and each form plays a different emotional developmental role. Dr. Hafeez notes that there’s a lot of anecdotal support for the theory, but also says that, “while it connects with many people emotionally, it lacks scientific research validation.” For this reason, the expert recommends thinking about the theory as a very loose framework that represents typical relationship patterns. As previously mentioned, it is loosely based on certain principles from developmental psychology and, in this way, it does indeed “reflect the natural learning process and the evolution of love from youthful idealism to the difficult life lessons that lead to secure, authentic relationships.”

That said, there’s a lot of room for interpretation. One prevalent interpretation is that the theory suggests that these three distinct loves correspond with three distinct romantic partnerships we have over the course of our life. I would argue that this interpretation is reductive and stands up poorly to anecdotal evidence.

For example, there are certainly people who married their high school sweetheart and encountered all three types of love with the same individual. I also would venture a guess that very few people willingly enter into hard, turbulent relationships; and that it’s far more likely that these relationships initially fit the profile of idealistic love and then progress to the hard stuff—so that’s two types with one person right there. Finally, there are partnerships in which both people have seemingly settled into a grounded love for many years, only to seek idealistic love (i.e., lust) outside their relationship at some later point. Indeed, you can be grounded and faithful for decades and then wake up one day with an itch you want scratched by somebody else.

Ultimately, I think the ‘Three Loves Theory’ is useful for attaining a basic understanding of our psychological development, motivations and behavioral patterns within the context of romantic relationships. I think it’s a mistake to assume our emotional growth in this regard is always linear. But that’s just one opinion from a (mostly) open-minded skeptic.